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IF AIRLINES SOLD PAINT, THE SALE MIGHT GO SOMETHING LIKE THIS...............


Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.

Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?

Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be *&%^#@* kidding!

Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!

Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.

Customer: The price went up as we were talking?

Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.

Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

Customer: WHAT?

Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.

Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!

Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!

Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200
paint.

Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a liter" signs?

Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.

Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!

Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.

Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!

Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.

Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.

Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.

Customer: You're insane!

Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.

******************************************

Actual Qantas SQWAKS we'd like to see on 1670F

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

******************************************

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.



Imagine that you are a South African bush pilot. You fly in some critical medical supplies, and enjoy a quick lunch at the hospital. It's a stifling 100 degrees in the shade and you're eager to get back up to the cool, high blue yonder. 

On the way back to your plane, you discover that the only bit of shade within a mile has become very popular... 

You start calculating the distance to the plane door...... and wonder, "do I feel lucky today?" 



FLIGHT MAXIMS

Keep the aeroplane in such an attitude that the air pressure is directly in the pilot's face. - Horatio C. Barber, 1916

When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten. - Robert Livingston, 'Flying The Aeronca

The only time an aircraft has too much fuel on board is when it is on fire. Sir Charles Kingsford Smith, sometime before his death in the 1920's.

Flexible is much too rigid, in aviation you have to be fluid. - Verne Jobst

Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day. - Layton A. Bennett

I hope you either take up parachute jumping or stay out of single motored airplanes at night. - Charles A. Lindbergh, to Wiley Post, 1931

Never fly the 'A' model of anything. - Ed Thompson

Never fly anything that doesn't have the paint worn off the Rudder Pedals. - Harry Bill

Keep thy airspeed up, less the earth come from below and smite thee.
- William Kershner

When a prang seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity, as slowly and gently as possible. - advice given to RAF pilots during W.W.II.

Instrument flying is when your mind gets a grip on the fact that there is vision beyond sight. - U.S. Navy 'Approach' magazine circa W.W.II.

Always keep an 'out' in your hip pocket. - Bevo Howard

The Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you. - attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot

A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. - Jon McBride, astronaut

If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. - Bob Hoover

It occurred to me that if I did not handle the crash correctly, there would be no survivors. - Richard Leakey, after engine failure in a single engine aircraft. - Nairobi, Africa, 1993.

If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it. Ride the bastard down.
- Ernest K. Gann

Advice from the 'old pelican': Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil, For I am at 80,000 feet and Climbing. - sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location on Kadena AB, Okinawa

You've never been lost, until you've been lost at Mach 3. - Paul F Crickmore

The emergencies you train for almost never happen. It's the one you can't
train for that kills you. - Ernest K. Gann, advice from the 'old pelican'

If you want to grow old as a pilot, you've got to know when to push it, and when to back off. - Chuck Yeager

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you. - Richard Herman Jr., 'Firebreak'

There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime! - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970. (It was still there in 1972.)

An airplane might disappoint any pilot but it'll never surprise a good one - Len Morgan

To most people, the sky is the limit. To those who love aviation, the sky is
home.

Life is simple. Eat, sleep, fly.

Try not to die all tensed up. - Earthquake

The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good
bowel movement. -*- The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in
life to experience all three, at the same time.

(A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the 'glass cockpit' of an
A-320.) Now I know what a dog feels like, watching TV."

It only takes two things to fly: -*- airspeed and money.

What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies. If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

It's better to break ground and head into the wind, than to break wind and
head into the ground.

The difference between flight attendants and jet engines is that the engine
usually quits whining when it gets to the gate.

A copilot is a knothead until he spots opposite direction traffic at 12 o'clock,
after which, he's a goof-off for not seeing it sooner.

Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.

I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale!

Basic Flying Rules:
1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it.
3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground,
buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

Unknown landing signal officer to carrier pilot after his 6th unsuccessful landing attempt: "You've got to land here son, this is where the food is."

***And MY airline pilot informant's personal favorite: New FAA motto: "We're not happy, till you're not happy.

"When you come to a fork in the road, take it". -- Yogi Berra

 

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Last modified: May 31, 2007